October 15, 2010

So I walked in, late because of cab trouble. The first presentation was already underway and my heart sank a little. I hate walking into a conference room full of men after the program has started. Unnecessary attention.

But I turned to walk down the aisle to grab a seat at the back and there he was. Seated at the side. This person who I once knew intimately but now was a total stranger to me. This person who I hadn’t seen in a over a year. This person whose rejection for so many months had such a hold over me.

Our eyes met and there was a brief smile, some acknowledgement, before I continued on towards my seat.

when he went up to deliver his presentation, he seemed to be the same person from so long ago. The same voice, the same hint of nervousness, the same posture. But the face looking a tad more confident, a tad more distinguished.

And when it was all over I walked up. Just to say hi. Just to show him –and perhaps myself– that everything was ok.

And while I stood there, waiting for the awkwardness to pass, I realized I didn’t have anything to say to him. All those burning questions I had accumulated in those long months, all evaporated into inconsequence. So I said goodbye and left.

And that was that. And I didn’t feel anything. Not satisfaction or regret, not even relief. Just indifference.


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