March 28, 2011

In the last couple of years I’ve adopted quite a few life lessons that I often try to remember: compassion for others, tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance. But time and again I find I have problems with just feeling and being authentic with my feelings. I guess it is like a bad habit that is difficult to break, when the instinct is to put up walls so other people will not get close, to develop coping mechanisms to minimize fear and pain.

So recently I’ve been dealing with feelings again. Not drama queen or overly emotional type of feelings but just trying to get out of my head and into the heart instead. To recognize the spectrum of emotions from positive to negative and not to rationalize them or assign logic or try to will them away. To just feel sad, joyous, dejected, disappointed, excited whenever they come up. And i’ve realized how difficult it is to put feelings into words sometimes. I just feel discomfort somewhere. But where? in the heart? in the gut? And what type of discomfort? It is easy to feel angry or rage at someone or a situation but often it is more difficult to pinpoint the underlying feeling — frustration, hurt, neglect, or being marginalized.

The other thing I’m trying to deal with is to realize that it is ok to get affected by someone’s actions or words. The important thing is not to act out on them, wilfully or in retaliation. Just feel the emotions. In other words, to focus on me and not the external thing.

I think this is a major lesson I was meant to learn in life and it is not easy for me. But I’ve decided it is necessary because this is about building trust in myself, so that I can in turn trust others enough to be vulnerable to them. If they should hurt me, then I know that I will still be intact and I will still be standing when they’re gone.

So far, still a work in progress…


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