Friday

March 17, 2012

So another one bites the dust. There is always the requisite reflection and confusion. But right now, these are the lessons I have learnt about men, and myself, in the last three years.

never believe what a guy says in the first three months of the relationship. so often he’s trying to impress me that he rarely means what he says and months down the road I’ll be the only one remembering all those early conversations about shared goals and ideals and claims that he likes rom coms and how he ultimately wants to get married.

always judge a guy by what he does and not what he says. I believe that I am my word so I judge others similarly. Each time a guy says something that is incongruent with his actions, I lose a bit of trust in him until finally I no longer believe what he says.

there is no such thing as “i’m not ready to have a real relationship”. When I hear a thing like that, I take it as my cue to up and leave. either I’ve overstayed my welcome or something is just not working so there is never any point in sticking around, because the next thing I know, this same guy will be coupled up with the next girl he meets.

always have faith in myself. sometimes it is hard but I’m done feeling bad about things beyond my control. I can’t help second guessing myself and I know sometimes I commit folly by making decisions with my heart, when i would be much better off leading with my head. But i’m not perfect and I accept that.

And this leads me to my last point, which is “It’s not me, it’s you”. When I know I’ve done everything in my power to try and make things work and there is nothing else to be done, the best thing really is to just back off and do nothing. There is immense sadness but also a deeper sense that I was always self aware and consciously acting sensibly, responsibly, sensitively and in a mature manner. And even though i was open to compromise I was being myself and ultimately acting in my own best interest.

I hope I won’t get jaded but I know I’m not immune to the cumulative experience of romantic disappointment as i get older.  ah well, c’est la vie.

Sunday

March 11, 2012

Sometimes you try and try and try and nothing seems to work and you give up knowing you tried your best. But still there is a sadness in the pit of your stomach and in your heart.

Monday

January 9, 2012

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Sunday

January 2, 2012

So, new year.

There have been the requisite existential questions, the wheres, whys, what nexts. And there have been some realizations, which I often think is good. Coming to any sort of awakening, whether timely or delayed, is always a sign that at least one is moving somewhere.

I experienced some dissonance right around Christmas, as the impending hurtle toward 2012 jolted me into realization that I hadn’t really achieved much last year, meaning everything seemed to stagnate from 2009. That i think is partly a consequence of not setting anything concrete in advance, being of the impression at the time that adopting a laissez faire attitude toward resolutions and having no expectations can result in pleasant surprises.

Daniel Kahneman posits that our view of self and the world is shaped both by experience and memory and it is the remembering self that is the story teller of our lives through time. We don’t choose between experiences, we choose between memories of experiences. This is what distinguishes being happy in life and being happy with one’s life. We therefore think about the future not as experience but as anticipated memories.

I don’t know if there is still any advantage in thinking about future possibilities and the phrase ‘anticipated memories’ is so loaded I am loathe to even allude to it. But I have realized that self-actualization for me is more a need than a choice. So here I attempt to specify some goals. Also, it probably beats glossing over everything with a slick aphorism.

actively listen

verbalise thoughts in an elegant, if not coherent, form

practise retaining all that I learn

write more

My communication is overdue for some betterment, mainly because it is such an important means to my many ongoing ends. Also these are goals I know I can work with — though not necessarily succeed at — especially given my oft capricious nature.

As to judgement, tolerance, oversensitivity, empathy and all that heavy, good stuff, they never cease to plague me. But I can only hope that out of all this ongoing chaos, maybe one day a dancing star will emerge. Ok that last bit wasn’t really an aphorism, but it was clearly Nietzsche.

October 24, 2011

So right now I’m struggling with a fear of vulnerability.

To tell someone how you really feel about them, whether if it’s your heart bursting from good feelings, or how much you miss them. To simply put yourself out there, good side, bad side, gifts and flaws, knowing full well that your heart can be shattered and trampled on in an instant.

The experts and gurus say it is a risk the truly courageous take but you will never fully understand how intense it is until you find yourself on the edge with one foot of the cliff.

There are lots of things causing this fear, and i hate to admit it but mostly it comes from all the baggage of the past, all the ghosts of disappointments from before coming back to haunt me. How easy it is to get sucked in. But i realize that they are mine to bear and I have to take responsibility for them and deal with them. We are each responsible for ourselves and our well being. Realization is the easy part, what next?

So I’m going back to basics. I’m trying my hardest to take each day as it comes and not let my thoughts overrun everything. And tomorrow is a new day.

Sunday

September 4, 2011

I love this song, from the moment i saw the ad it’s stuck.

that’s what i’ve been thinking lately. when are things are right, they’re simple. and they’re good.

 

Sunday

May 29, 2011

It’s been a pretty quiet month on this space. I’ve been hanging out offline with my usual group of compadres, and honestly nothing really exciting has transpired or conspired to happen. Sure there were plenty of experiences that might seem exciting: visiting the new Robuchon joint, eating morbradbof again, macaroon decorating, trying pole and loving it, a five hour karaoke session, planning the next holiday.  Perhaps I may look back on this phase one day, far into the future and reminisce and remember it as a ‘heady’ time, maybe the same way baby boomers today might think about Studio 54.

But I’m still waiting, still holding out for something greater to happen. Some big bang that suddenly hits, something definitive that will tell me what my purpose in life is.

what if, in choosing to practise faith and perseverance and to  live each day as it comes, you stop caring or even daring to dream about bigger things in life, things that matter, and things that you know mean more than you could ever imagine? What happens when you keep believing something will come forth and in the end nothing does? How can life be reduced thus?

%d bloggers like this: