Friday

So another one bites the dust. There is always the requisite reflection and confusion. But right now, these are the lessons I have learnt about men, and myself, in the last three years.

never believe what a guy says in the first three months of the relationship. so often he’s trying to impress me that he rarely means what he says and months down the road I’ll be the only one remembering all those early conversations about shared goals and ideals and claims that he likes rom coms and how he ultimately wants to get married.

always judge a guy by what he does and not what he says. I believe that I am my word so I judge others similarly. Each time a guy says something that is incongruent with his actions, I lose a bit of trust in him until finally I no longer believe what he says.

there is no such thing as “i’m not ready to have a real relationship”. When I hear a thing like that, I take it as my cue to up and leave. either I’ve overstayed my welcome or something is just not working so there is never any point in sticking around, because the next thing I know, this same guy will be coupled up with the next girl he meets.

always have faith in myself. sometimes it is hard but I’m done feeling bad about things beyond my control. I can’t help second guessing myself and I know sometimes I commit folly by making decisions with my heart, when i would be much better off leading with my head. But i’m not perfect and I accept that.

And this leads me to my last point, which is “It’s not me, it’s you”. When I know I’ve done everything in my power to try and make things work and there is nothing else to be done, the best thing really is to just back off and do nothing. There is immense sadness but also a deeper sense that I was always self aware and consciously acting sensibly, responsibly, sensitively and in a mature manner. And even though i was open to compromise I was being myself and ultimately acting in my own best interest.

I hope I won’t get jaded but I know I’m not immune to the cumulative experience of romantic disappointment as i get older.  ah well, c’est la vie.

Sunday

Sometimes you try and try and try and nothing seems to work and you give up knowing you tried your best. But still there is a sadness in the pit of your stomach and in your heart.

Monday

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.