Friday

March 17, 2012

So another one bites the dust. There is always the requisite reflection and confusion. But right now, these are the lessons I have learnt about men, and myself, in the last three years.

never believe what a guy says in the first three months of the relationship. so often he’s trying to impress me that he rarely means what he says and months down the road I’ll be the only one remembering all those early conversations about shared goals and ideals and claims that he likes rom coms and how he ultimately wants to get married.

always judge a guy by what he does and not what he says. I believe that I am my word so I judge others similarly. Each time a guy says something that is incongruent with his actions, I lose a bit of trust in him until finally I no longer believe what he says.

there is no such thing as “i’m not ready to have a real relationship”. When I hear a thing like that, I take it as my cue to up and leave. either I’ve overstayed my welcome or something is just not working so there is never any point in sticking around, because the next thing I know, this same guy will be coupled up with the next girl he meets.

always have faith in myself. sometimes it is hard but I’m done feeling bad about things beyond my control. I can’t help second guessing myself and I know sometimes I commit folly by making decisions with my heart, when i would be much better off leading with my head. But i’m not perfect and I accept that.

And this leads me to my last point, which is “It’s not me, it’s you”. When I know I’ve done everything in my power to try and make things work and there is nothing else to be done, the best thing really is to just back off and do nothing. There is immense sadness but also a deeper sense that I was always self aware and consciously acting sensibly, responsibly, sensitively and in a mature manner. And even though i was open to compromise I was being myself and ultimately acting in my own best interest.

I hope I won’t get jaded but I know I’m not immune to the cumulative experience of romantic disappointment as i get older.  ah well, c’est la vie.

Sunday

March 11, 2012

Sometimes you try and try and try and nothing seems to work and you give up knowing you tried your best. But still there is a sadness in the pit of your stomach and in your heart.

Sunday

March 4, 2012

After over a year since we first met, J is moving here. What’s going to happen?

Monday

January 9, 2012

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Saturday

January 7, 2012

So hard. Sometimes I question if any of this is at all worth it.

Sunday

January 2, 2012

So, new year.

There have been the requisite existential questions, the wheres, whys, what nexts. And there have been some realizations, which I often think is good. Coming to any sort of awakening, whether timely or delayed, is always a sign that at least one is moving somewhere.

I experienced some dissonance right around Christmas, as the impending hurtle toward 2012 jolted me into realization that I hadn’t really achieved much last year, meaning everything seemed to stagnate from 2009. That i think is partly a consequence of not setting anything concrete in advance, being of the impression at the time that adopting a laissez faire attitude toward resolutions and having no expectations can result in pleasant surprises.

Daniel Kahneman posits that our view of self and the world is shaped both by experience and memory and it is the remembering self that is the story teller of our lives through time. We don’t choose between experiences, we choose between memories of experiences. This is what distinguishes being happy in life and being happy with one’s life. We therefore think about the future not as experience but as anticipated memories.

I don’t know if there is still any advantage in thinking about future possibilities and the phrase ‘anticipated memories’ is so loaded I am loathe to even allude to it. But I have realized that self-actualization for me is more a need than a choice. So here I attempt to specify some goals. Also, it probably beats glossing over everything with a slick aphorism.

actively listen

verbalise thoughts in an elegant, if not coherent, form

practise retaining all that I learn

write more

My communication is overdue for some betterment, mainly because it is such an important means to my many ongoing ends. Also these are goals I know I can work with — though not necessarily succeed at — especially given my oft capricious nature.

As to judgement, tolerance, oversensitivity, empathy and all that heavy, good stuff, they never cease to plague me. But I can only hope that out of all this ongoing chaos, maybe one day a dancing star will emerge. Ok that last bit wasn’t really an aphorism, but it was clearly Nietzsche.

Monday

November 28, 2011

October was a pretty trying month and it was mainly focused on a job interview in Shanghai. I flew in for the day, flew out the next afternoon and got to see just a little bit of the city enroute to hotel and the office. I nailed the interview but ultimately turned down the offer because it wasn’t good enough to tempt me to uproot.  I was glad to be rid of the uncertainty and limbo, which not only included mr p but extended to considerations such as my parents’ new house and other minutiae like renewing my phone contract and signing up for more PT sessions.

So anyway in the one week between the interview and the formal offer, I was constantly imagining my life in China. There was certainly a fair bit of apprehension, some excitement and I remember thinking with relief that Shanghai at least had a real Ikea store, and it looked pretty gargantuan when I passed it on the way to the airport for the flight home. But that was that.

Anyhow after that there were a few other opportunities that came my way and I duly gave each some attention, mainly to suss out the market and to practise interviewing. I think I’m pretty good at doling out the spiel now and am comfortable talking about myself.  My career might be suffering from inertia at times but I’ve never doubted that I am in a good place and it will likely continue to be that way — wherever I am — because I’m confident in my skills and competence.

On the other hand I think I have given up any expectation that things will turn out a certain way in other areas. I give up expecting that I will some day be married, I give up expecting that I will have kids. I give up the white picket fence dream. I’m not sure why but I really do feel that other people seem to have it easier than I do. I don’t know if it’s a defeatist attitude to take but that’s where I am right now. Not unhappy or downcast but a little  subdued and mellow, definitely some jading going on there.

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